Ah, Vincent.
A source of hope and eternal inspiration, for so many.
What I love most about Van Gogh's life and work is really, his spirit - the driving force of his heart.
And, the essence of that spirit can be felt even here, today, in the yellowy-golden afternoon light spread across my desk, my books, and my hands typing this sentence.
When we explore Van Gogh’s biography, we quickly discover that he was confused - for a long time.
As we all are, at some point in our life.
Some of us, remain revolving in that confusion until life takes its turn, and we perish.
Others, take note of the signs sent their way and begin to explore.
Most of them, are rewarded with clarity – no matter the form it takes.
If we do not explore, we shall never know who we are, and why we are here. And, I am not talking about life, or rather, death’s great mystery – the great and infinite unknown – but the mystery of ourselves.
And maybe, by finding out who we are, we can accept that life is supposed to be a mystery, and we, are not separate, but part of it.
The discovery merely opens up a window for better, truer, and clearer expression.
Van Gogh did not know what he wanted to do until he was 27 years old and tried many jobs before dedicating himself completely to his art. Society’s expectations and his parents’ pressure made it difficult for him to determine what he was supposed to do.
And of course, the matter of money made it even more difficult.
So he’d done his best and tried to be something, other, than what he was supposed to be.
After a while, unhappiness and discomfort settled in and he either left or was let go of those jobs.
It's strange how, doing something that goes against your true nature and spirit, sooner or later - and almost without exceptions - takes a toll on your emotional, psychological, spiritual, and then, on your physical health as well.
Strange, perhaps, yet very true.
Vincent wrote to his brother Theo regularly, and sometimes he would include a sketch or a drawing of his in the letter.
It was Theo who advised him to focus more of his time on the practice of drawing.
The rest is history.
He moved, he traveled, and he explored.
The land, the sky, the people, himself.
He observed.
And, how he observed, can be seen and experienced in every one of his creations.
Not only in his painting, but in the letters he wrote to his brother, as well.
His expression moved from dark and gloomy (Vincent van Gogh, The Potato Eaters, 1885), to bright, colorful, lively, and authentic to himself (Vincent van Gogh, The Hill of Montmartre with Stone Quarry, 1886).
Of course, the change in scenery influenced his change of painting, but it was his decision to move that got him there.
His inner voice.
His heart’s desire led him exactly where he was supposed to go.
In Paris, he discovered new inspiration - in the artists he met and explored, in the way people lived, and in the way the city was.
He discovered Japanese woodcut prints and was also, greatly influenced by them (Vincent van Gogh, Bridge in the Rain (after Hiroshige), 1887).
And, when we have done our learning, and when we have created what we were meant to create, from the deepest corners of our being, from the dark unknown, from our truest nature, that gentle whisper comes again.
It leads us, yet again, to a space where we can continue to grow and evolve.
So that we can learn.
To explore further.
To love.
To create.
Van Gogh moved from Paris to Arles, and during that time, he created some of his most beautiful artwork.
He had hopes and dreams, and he worked tiresomely in making them a reality.
For what are dreams without the work to manifest them?
Dandelions on a windy morning.
Beautiful, light, and short-lived.
Gone, in just a breath.
Our heart never fails to guide us, but we have to aid its call. This is what being balanced means – to be able to dream, but at the same time, be deeply grounded in the physical.
This is how creation happens.
When we have uncovered a part of ourselves, we mustn’t neglect it.
We must work at it.
Whether it’s something we want to achieve, something we want to change, or someone we want to love – discovering it opens the door to its manifestation.
But for manifestation to happen, we have to work.
So, let us do the work, and do it with awareness.
It will not be easy, but it will be a wish coming to life.
And it will be worth more than anything.
Vincent wanted to open his own “Studio of the South,” where artists could live and work together, so he rented four rooms in a yellow house in Arles. Unfortunately, only one artist would take part in his wish. Paul Gauguin moved in with him, and together, they created some incredible artwork.
But, having different views both on art and on the creative process, they started to have very heated discussions, one of which, ended with Vincent threatening Paul with a razor.
Later that night, Van Gogh cut off his ear, wrapped it in a newspaper, and gave it to a prostitute.
He was institutionalized for two weeks, and doctors suspected that he was mad.
Once out of the hospital, he started painting again. But very soon after, his health started to deteriorate. His attacks were back, and people started to be afraid of him.
In May 1889, Vincent voluntarily admitted himself to the psychiatric hospital in Saint-Rémy, and spent a year there, painting, and trying to heal.
He believed in the extraordinary healing powers of painting.
And, as the magnificent David Lynch has said once, he would probably have been even more prolific, and even more of a genius, if he wasn’t sick.
Though, that would have been a different story.
In this story, Vincent left the hospital and moved to Auvers-Sur-Oise. There, he created 75 paintings and over a hundred sketches in 70 days.
Nature gave him hope.
It inspired him.
Healed him, in a way, in those moments of clarity.
But life had other plans.
His deteriorating mental health, his crisis, and his financial situation began to be too much of a burden for his tormented heart, and, after only two months, he committed suicide.
He died on July 29th, 1890, leaving us the most important part of himself.
His heart.
For, in his sadness, torment, and horror, it was his heart that had him create.
That voice, ever-present in all of us, had him see the beauty that life offers, express it in his own, authentic way, and give it to the world.
An open offering, for us, who came after him, to experience.
Now, it is I who is offering this pointer to you - and to everyone who needs it - to explore and experience in your own way.
For it unveils that, which we often overlook.
For it unveils that, which is present in all of us.
For it echoes still, through space and time, about the honoring of the heart’s desire.
And, for I wish for you always, to honor yours.
Always take care of yourself, and never forget that you truly matter.
You are here for a reason.
Find it, allow it to be, tend to it with love, and make the best of this wonderful mystery, that is life.
May you love deeply, and may you be loved truly.
Yours,
Meri Utkovska
Explore the whole article "In the End: On Vincent van Gogh and the Honouring of the Heart's Desire" completed with pictures, quotes, and artwork here:
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